“Would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.” (Hozier.. I love you)
I feel compelled to speak about darkness today.
I don’t always get it right, you know. I don’t always wake up happy to see the day. Excited isn’t always the word I’d choose to describe my life. Sometimes, it’s not all high fives and flying pigeons. It’s these less than shiny days that offer us opportunity to learn. From this vantage point, I’ve seen myself and witnessed my truth unfurl around me. It’s a blessing to come undone and learn to put yourself back together.. It’s also hard as hell.
This week has been a clearing in the woods. Some of my dearest loves have struggled in true deep darkness that many of us (I hope) will never experience or truly comprehend. Being forced to stand aside and watch this pain cover a life is simply excruciating. The inability to rescue someone from the approaching storm is it’s own struggle.. Love is painful sometimes… isn’t it? But we all know healing is a path we must individually walk.
In this pain of witnessing, a strange thing happened. My own darkness began to call to me. It sang silly songs and whispered to me.. it smiled and made promises.. and it’s profound how quickly we can get dark… and with every experience of darkness, the next comes easier. Misery loves company is not a concept, but a true expression of emotional contagions. Emotions are deep energetic waves that we radiate into space and when we start to absorb that energy, we begin to also radiate it.. so it multiplies. What a power that is when you fully understand that phenomenon and become aware enough to experience it objectively when it happens. It’s the witness that can provide insights. Not the person or the ego.. the witness. I’ve done this dance with my sad, strange addiction to the mysterious misery I’ve loved for years so many times. I’ve longed for loneliness without knowing.. and received it easily. I’ve loved my loneliness. Made love to my misery. Gone through sadness withdrawal. I’ve questioned my own beauty religiously. Ceremoniously. I fall out of love with myself all the time.. Habitually, I’ve waited for someone else to come to me and tell me how perfect I am.. to give me that blessing.. to give me the witness. And yet – when that confirmation comes from that external force, I refuse to accept it. As though they were lying for one reason or another.
How can you accept something you do not yourself believe?
Hmmm. How CAN you accept something you do not believe.. You can’t.
You must witness this truth for yourself and accept it. You must believe in your own beauty not after you do X, Y, or Z but as you are right now. Right here. Real and raw. When this comes – something really amazing happens. Your take your knowledge and experience of your light and love and suddenly start to radiate it. It starts flying out windows and doors. It drips from your fingers on coffee cups and leaves trails down the sidewalk as you make your way through the crowd and it spreads like wildfire.. like emotions. You become the embodiment of you. When you know you are beautiful, you become beautiful. When you know you’re a healer, you become healing. When you know you are strong, you become strength. When you know you are, you become.
This path of healing can only be walked by the individual. Your method is your very own. Find your yoga. Your practice that connects you to yourself and play with it. It’s not easy, but trust if you can that it will unfold for you and that darkness will pass away when you start walking in your light. You may not know it yet, but if you trust anything here, trust that. You only have to be willing to try, over and over and over again.
I have a blog dedicated to just poetry (Edit Yourself) which is where I would typically put the words below, but I wanted to share this one insight in it’s totality here today.. It’s a little rusty, but I think the truth is in there, somewhere.
I’ve come in contact with unconditional love
Kissed her on the lips
And tasted eternity.
I have, in my own way, seen Spirit.
I’ve hugged myself and the pavement with zeal.
Kissed toads into princes and back into toads.
I’ve loved. Full force flashing forward – always forward – in my eyes.
I’ve broken people and watched them turn to dust.
I’ve made love to my misery and kept her shirt in the bed –
Just for the smell of it.
I’ve proudly painted myself with sadness, smearing in on every mirror so even your reflection is mine.
I’ve given up and gotten up and fallen down and given up.
And gotten up.
I’ve lost myself so I could once again…be found.
If flying is an option,
Misery is the dark at the base of the mountain, tucked in shadow and fog.
Happiness is an uphill battle that delivers you to the mountain top.
Fraught with sinkholes and speed bumps,
In metal shoes wrought and formed by the pounding of your gentle heart, you march on to your bliss.
Lift one foot.
Heavy and immovable as it may seem.
Lift one foot.
| namaste |